That's how I was feeling today. Actually how I have been feeling for several days. Lost in my own little world. Lost in my mind. Trying to figure out how to get back to me.
Ok, I started writing that yesterday and was no clearer than a muddy glass. Today I put a voice to why I feel lost. Melanoma? No. I know that no matter what happens there God is with me. So what then.....
My baby is grown. He moved away. I have been a mom for more than half my life. When my daughter moved away I was devastated. Cried like a baby. I still had my son at home. I still had 10 more years of raising him. I have known this day was coming. Pretty much my top thought all last year. What am I suppose to do? My kids have been my life. My world. I know I am not the best mom in the world. Far from it but I do know that I love my kids with all that I am. I would give my life for them.
I have been going through the motions since he moved. Wake up, go to work, go home. Same every day. Existing. Unsure of what I am suppose to do now. Trying not to think at all about anything. My husband is always so supportive. Always letting me know he is here for me. I finally told him today why I am depressed. That he doesn't' understand and that I don't think anyone understands. I know he loves me no matter what. Told my daughter that I am depressed. She is always a blessing. Sends me just what I need to hear. Thanks to their support and my sister's support I was able to clear away enough mud to think. Why is it that this has you so down? Because I never really had a life without my children and I don't know what I am suppose to do now.
I hear this voice, barely a whisper through my tears, "how is it you don't fear melanoma because you know you have God to make that journey with you but you don't see that God is making this one with you too. You are more than a mom. You are a wife. You are a daughter. You are a sister. You are a friend. You will get through this. It's okay to cry. Don't lose sight that you are still needed. Still loved. And maybe, just maybe it's time to find yourself."
I tell my friends with children still at home that the empty nest thing is way overrated. My baby was home from college for the last month on Christmas break and it was so nice.
ReplyDeleteI do understand totally. I am here for you and I want you to start thinking of things that you would enjoy doing, things that you couldn't do when you had kids to take care of everyday. It's Mom time. You are still needed by all of us! The kids will still continue to come around. You've done a great job with them and have been a wonderful, loving Mother. Just like your Mother! Rejoice in seeing them live by the morals and values you've instilled in them while they were growing. You have given them the guidance to be who they are today and you will see YOU in them! It will make you smile!!! I love you!!! Have a good day, Baby!:)
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say? Awesome, awesome, awesome! You are human, just like the rest of us, honey. I'm sure that I will be in the same boat when my little girl decides to spread her wings. Be proud of yourself...you are a great mom. That is not over and no one can take that from you. Its time to think of you, for a change. What is it that you wanted to do...way back when? For me, I had a love for music and thought being a mom, I couldn't do anything with that. After all, being a mom means you have to give your whole self...body, heart and soul, right? Well, it doesn't mean you forget who you are and what you dreamed of. Sometimes it takes time to remember what it was. Don't worry, you will. Whatever it is, whether it be going on walks or doing pottery, remember it is just as important as the work you get paid for. The only difference is, you pay yourself in happiness and strength. It is not only ok to do something for yourself, but necessary to be a happy, whole human being. Go for it girl! You have your whole life ahead of you and it is precious!
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