That's how I was feeling today. Actually how I have been feeling for several days. Lost in my own little world. Lost in my mind. Trying to figure out how to get back to me.
Ok, I started writing that yesterday and was no clearer than a muddy glass. Today I put a voice to why I feel lost. Melanoma? No. I know that no matter what happens there God is with me. So what then.....
My baby is grown. He moved away. I have been a mom for more than half my life. When my daughter moved away I was devastated. Cried like a baby. I still had my son at home. I still had 10 more years of raising him. I have known this day was coming. Pretty much my top thought all last year. What am I suppose to do? My kids have been my life. My world. I know I am not the best mom in the world. Far from it but I do know that I love my kids with all that I am. I would give my life for them.
I have been going through the motions since he moved. Wake up, go to work, go home. Same every day. Existing. Unsure of what I am suppose to do now. Trying not to think at all about anything. My husband is always so supportive. Always letting me know he is here for me. I finally told him today why I am depressed. That he doesn't' understand and that I don't think anyone understands. I know he loves me no matter what. Told my daughter that I am depressed. She is always a blessing. Sends me just what I need to hear. Thanks to their support and my sister's support I was able to clear away enough mud to think. Why is it that this has you so down? Because I never really had a life without my children and I don't know what I am suppose to do now.
I hear this voice, barely a whisper through my tears, "how is it you don't fear melanoma because you know you have God to make that journey with you but you don't see that God is making this one with you too. You are more than a mom. You are a wife. You are a daughter. You are a sister. You are a friend. You will get through this. It's okay to cry. Don't lose sight that you are still needed. Still loved. And maybe, just maybe it's time to find yourself."