Friday, March 23, 2012

The New Me

The old me.....passive, quiet, c'est la vie, water on a ducks back. Always, it will be okay. What ever happens happens. Not much of anything ever bothered me unless it had to do with my family or friends (don't mess with my family or friends!). always willing to take the back seat to everyone and everything.

The new me? Aggressive. Standing strong. Stand my ground. It's time for me to take the wheel!!! This is MY life! You are not a victim if you just stand by idly watching what happens. You have a voice, use it! You matter!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have heard several people talk about having to be your own advocate. Heard the words and thought, true, but don't think it really sunk in. Today it hit me and hard!! If you don't stand up for yourself who else will?!?!? You can't just sit back and watch life pass you by and then wonder what the heck happened. And beating yourself up won't do any good either. What's done is done. but what happens next.....that is up to YOU!!!!!

Be present!!!! Be accountable!!!! Wonder if there are people that won't like the new found you?? Too bad!! You don't need them or want them in your life. Things happen and we change. If people don't like how you change or what changed you then they were not true to you. When you think about un-cluttering your life it should be in all aspects. Not just getting rid of some old clothes that don't fit you any more. Get rid of all the rift raft. (if you are reading this and wondering, is she talking about me? the answer is no)

The old me was happy sitting in the bleachers watching. The new me is in it!!!! I will play an active role in MY life! I think I had a hard time adjusting to that at first. I need to be important but I have never made myself important. I can't afford to be on the back burner anymore.

So, I started writing that yesterday.......I know everyone has dreams when they sleep right, or so I have heard. It is rare that I ever remember having a dream. This morning at 3am I was woke from a dream. I have slept through severe storms so for me to wake up from this was pretty shocking to my system. In this dream I was in a hospital. Not sure why or where but I was alone. Just me, doctors and nurses. No one was talking to me. They were going about their business. Putting an IV in my arm. That's what woke me up. I laid in bed for a bit wondering if I was going to get back to sleep. Luckily, I think, I was able to go back to sleep but only to have the dream continue. The IV came out and the nurse seemed angry at me for it. She tied 3 bands on my arm to try and get a vein and then walked off. My arm was turning purple and blue! Another nurse came over and had to cut the bands off. They got another IV started in the other arm. I was wondering around this hospital with my IV pole, white room after white room. I didn't know anyone. No one spoke to me. Then good news. They said my husband, my sister and her husband were going to come pick me up for an outing. I had to take the IV with me but I could get out of those white rooms. They picked me up and we went to a park. My husband and my sister's husband started drinking beer. What??????????? That's all I could think. I have been "locked" in this hospital for I don't know how long and all you guys want to do is drink??? And who the heck is going to drive us back to the hospital?????

Does it have anything to do with this blog? Some may think yes. Some may think no. Me, I am unsure. I just know I am a VERY sound sleeper and I very rarely remember having any dreams at all.

So as I was typing this morning on the radio......LEAN ON ME, WHEN YOU'RE NOT STRONG!!!! I'LL BE YOUR FRIEND, I'LL HELP YOU CARRY ON!!!!

What a blessing!

Thursday, March 1, 2012


I use to have all the patience in the world. Stuck in traffic, no big deal, meant to be delayed. Waiting in line at the store, no big deal. I actually remember a day that my son went with me to get groceries. The lady in line in front of us was having some sort of issue with her transaction. We probably stood there 20 minutes waiting. He was trying to get me to get in another line and I said no, that's okay, we can wait. When I think about the old me I can't help but laugh but it makes me a little sad too. I liked the patient me. Sometimes I wonder how I had patience before.

So Tuesday I went to see my primary doctor because I believe I am having some anxiety issues. Having heart palpitations. So as we are talking about what's going on that might be causing anxiety I said mostly the whole melanoma thing. He started reviewing the results from the biopsy (so glad I brought the copy I had because he still hadn't received it) and he asked if I was on Interferon. No. Hmmm. Then he asked if they have done lymph node biopsies. No. Hmmmmm. He asked if they have done any blood work. No. Hmmmmm. He said he wants me to get a second opinion. Wanted blood work before we decide on the anxiety thing so I had blood drawn. He had the nurse call Kansas City Cancer Center about getting me in for that second opinion. She called them, left a message. They called her back and wanted a copy of my biopsy and surgery. She called me back to confirm where I had that done. She called me back again, said they would not release my info without a signed consent. Keep in mind that they had sent him some of my records as every time I go in for an appointment with them I always say please make sure to send my primary a copy of my records which they always say they will. He did have some records from them but not the "big" ones. So I told her to fax me the form and I would sign it and fax it right back. That was the last I heard. I keep reminding myself that he did say that they may not feel I need a second opinion. That it will take some time for someone to read those 2 pieces of paper to know whether I should come in. My inner voice says wait. It will come. Breathe. Loosen your grip on your phone. Don't freak out every time it vibrates.
If I don't hear from them by the time they call with the results from the blood work I will ask them if they have heard anything.