Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Abnormal is my new normal


So I got my call today about my biopsies, abnormal but got everything with the biopsy so follow up as scheduled. This call came on my cell phone. Note that they have never called my cell, always the house phone so that initially got my heart to racing. I wasn’t expecting the call till Thursday or Friday at the earliest so that didn’t help either. I was glad to hear they got everything. Not sure I care for ‘abnormal’. That’s the way I feel anymore, abnormal. Everything that was my “normal” is gone and now I live abnormal every day. Most days I am a pretty positive person or at least try to be. Positive. Upbeat. But some days….. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!! This is one of those days. Why would I want to scream over “good” news? Well, let’s do the math. I have had a total of 9 biopsies thus far. 1=melanoma. 4=abnormal cells but got everything. 4=ok. Some may say 8=good and only one bad. My mind sees 4=good and 5=bad. Thankful for getting “it all” on those 4 but still can’t help but wonder… I am a VERY spotty person to say the least. Like hundreds spotty. What are the chances that out of those hundreds there are more that are ‘abnormal’. That could possibly be further than ‘abnormal’ by the time they do biopsies. What are the chances that there are some that are melanoma and she just hasn’t picked the right ones yet. I check my body on a regular basis. Probably more than just once a month and I worry about all of them. I have seen the pictures on line and the spots she has taken thus far to me look nothing like the pictures. One of these last 2, the one from my thigh was so tiny and it was abnormal? I have others that are way bigger. So how do you know? How do you know if a big spot that looks pretty similar to a tiny spot isn’t a bad spot too?
I am still lost in this unfamiliar world. I think most days I live in a haze. Try not to think about it. Try not to worry. The things I found joy in I no longer care about. When I watch tv now all I can think is ‘are they wearing sun screen” or “I wonder if they have had that spot checked” or “they should really get that spot checked”. Hard to enjoy a show when that’s all you can think about.
Some days all I want to do is cry. And then other days I feel so emotionally detached I wonder if I have feelings at all.
I live in a new world. It’s not a world I like. It’s not a world I would have picked for myself but it is my world now. I can hope and pray that one day I will “adjust” as best I can to this new world. That I will “accept” this new world. That I don’t lose my mind in the process. That I don’t drive my loved ones away during the adjustment period. I have hopes that one day I won’t go from angry to depressed to detached to denial and back to angry to start all over again.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannont change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I tell my husband that all the time because he is the biggest worry wart I know. Always stressing about the unknown. I always tell him it doesn’t do any good.
Today my lesson to myself. If you are going to talk the talk then do the walk.

1 comment:

  1. Dee, remember you are stronger than you think. You are brave and I appreciate you sharing your innermost thoughts and fears. I'm sure there are others going through the same thing that will feel comfort in knowing they are not alone. Hugs to ya girl!